SILENCE IS NO LONGER GOLDEN -PART 2 ...communication is

Back to our intense argument or psychological fight (well, because you are quiet), i was told you go mum because you are afraid you wont win. yes, i know i sometimes want to have the last say and win the argument, so i go on and on and on. but honey, staying away altogether and avoiding a conversation doesnt do a better job of resolving our conflicts. it in fact takes a toll on our healthy relationship. I will try to be wiser and stop trying to win. 

Finally, I thank God everyday for my blessings, whenever i count them, you always come first on my list, you are a lover, then a provider. but honey, i heard you sometimes shut down on me and lose concentration on our conversations because your mind is somewhere else, that you most times worry about our finances, our on-going project, fees for our kids' ivy league education and funding of your new business idea. why not let me know when i'm talking about things that are completely out of your priority list and tell me about yours, I'll try and focus on yours at the time once you promise me we'll talk about mine next.

Ninety percent of our challenges will be resolved when we talk about it, don't worry, i'm learning the art of crucial conversations so i'll stop pushing you into silent mode. i just want us to get better and better. i want to have the finest of our wine with you when we are all grey and toothless.

By: Itunu Adeyemi

Should You Tell Your Partner About Your Sexual Past?

How much of your past is healthy to share in intimate relationships. How much does a potential husband need to know about your sexual experiences and struggles? How much should he tell you?

This is one of those issues that relationship coaches and counselors often disagree about. Some give counsel that complete honesty is always the best policy—meaning that you should share everything with someone in an intimate relationship. After all, intimacy is about being truthful, right?

We live in a  society that values raw honesty, calling it authenticity. A woman may feel that she is being dishonest to not share the most vulnerable details of her life by the third date. He needs to know who I am, right? The good, the bad, and the ugly?

Often when we share raw details of our lives, we do so for our own sake, not for the best interest of the other person. Sometimes, it just feels good to confess our past transgressions to others, just to relieve our guilt. Most women who quickly air their dirty laundry do it because fear rejection. “I’d rather him know and reject me now before I get attached.”

This is not to say you should be deceptive or dishonest in your relationship. Any form of deceit or manipulation is a violation of trust. The person you are with wants to know you—not some sanitized version of you. A dating relationship or courtship provides the opportunity to always present your best—to project the person you think he wants to see. After marriage, the masks inevitably come off sometimes with grave consequences.

I never knew he had a problem with porn. Why didn’t he tell me before we got married?

I was afraid to tell him about the abortion I had as a teen. Now that we can’t get pregnant, I have this secret guilt that it’s God punishing me. He still doesn’t know the truth!

Honesty and integrity are character traits that are central to a follower of Christ. However, our truth is always to be “measured” by love and discretion. In other words, for a man or woman to project themselves to be someone they are not is dishonest. If you have sexual sin or trauma in your past, don’t pretend that you have it all together in that department. As a relationship progresses into deeper levels of intimacy and commitment, the details of your life should also be shared with increasing vulnerability. However, that doesn’t mean that you ever get to the point where you disclose without discretion.

Scripture tells us to “speak the truth in love.” There are some things that may never be loving to share—even with your future husband. Most often, this type of sharing includes revealing the raw details of past indiscretions or traumas.

At some point along the road toward marriage, you should share basic facts, like acknowledging you were sexually active with other men before this relationship. However, certain details of who, what, where, when, and how may actually create a foothold of jealousy and anger.

The same is true for couples who are recovering from an infidelity. In an effort to rebuild trust, a husband or wife may insist on knowing exactly what happened—what positions and what acts. In my experience, this level of sharing is never helpful. It plants mental images in the mind and heart that haunt the relationship for years to come.

If you are struggling through questions of what to ask and how much to share, please seek wisdom and counsel. Too many couples, in the rawness of the night, share details that hurt rather than help.

Sometimes complete honesty is not the best policy. Instead, let us ask the Lord what “speaking the truth in love” looks like in our most intimate relationships.

Article:

christianwoman.com

How Do I Know The Right One For me?

How to Identify "The right one" for me is one question that haunts everyone  but i also know that the reason for that question is mostly out of fear.

The truth is a lot of Christian marriages today has failed because Christians have spiritualized things by placing their hopes of happily ever after on finding "THE RIGHT ONE." When marriage gets difficult, a woman may panic, thinking, "Oh, no! I picked the wrong guy."

You hear statements like "i never should have married him. I had doubts before the wedding and i didn't call it off." It is true that some signs can't be ignored and that is where applying wisom is needed.

Whomever you marry, living out a lifetime commitment of love will be a challenge. One of the Bible's most romantic love stories is the account of Isaac and Rebekah, found in Genesis 24. If there were ever a situation in which God clearly said, "This is the one you should marry!," it was this couple. They were truly a match made in heaven.

Fast-forward to years later. The lovers became parents of twin boys who despise each other. Isaac loves Esau, and Rebekah loves Jacob. We find this husband and wife in a web of manipulation, anger, and deceit. Finding "the one" certainly didn't guarantee a life-long, stress-free love affair. Selfishness and bitterness compromised their love, even though they were ordained by God to fall in love and marry.

Instead of asking the question, "is this who i should marry?" ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I in God's will?

There are some things about our lives that God has not clearly revealed to us. Instead of spinning the wheels trying to figure out what we don't know, we should walk with the Holy spirit. Don't run ahead of Him, and don't lag behind. If you're in Christ, the very Spirit of God dwells in you. As we seek love and marriage, God has given us some clear guidelines of his will and if we really want God to direct our ateps toward the tight man, we have to be obedient to all he's asked of us. Study his word, be prayerful, keep your mind and body pure, and give thanks for your current circumstances. God speaks to hearts that are prepared to listen and obey.

Do not be unequally yoked and flee from sexual immoralities is very clear and direct. Although it could be very challenging  but it's one of the guidelines God has given us.  Dating someone who is on the same spiritual level as you is also something every Christian should consider.

2. Am i seeking wisdom?

Following God's leading isn't always looking for a message in the sky, telling you what to do next. Often, God leads through the wisdom of those he has put in our lives. Solomon mentioned in Proverbs that the difference between a wise person and a fool is whether or not they are open to feedback.

There are general principles of wisdom that can help us in dating and choosing a spouse. E.g it is wise to know a person for at least a year before making the commitment of marriage. Meet his family, his friends and see him in different types of circumstances. 

When  friend or parent raises a concern, do you write them off, or even get angry? There will be patterns and "red flags" about any relationship that are difficult for us to see. We may feel so "in love" and sure about a relationship that we can't imagine it turning sour. It is important to listen to what friends and family members have to say. Ask for their feedback. Be willing to break off a relationship or even an engagement if needed.

3. Am i realistic about Marriage?

While every marriage has seasons of difficulty and disappointment, they also have times of great joy and celebration. Who you marry is a very IMPORTANT DECISION. However, marital happiness isn't solely based on finding Prince Charming. The difference between intimacy and broken vows depends largely on the work you're willing to do within marriage. Any two people who are willing to grow and work through challenges can have a dynamic relationship. Our Differences should help us grow and not consider divorce. In seasons of disagreement, we are to keep our love for each other and for God intentionally. Its not always about finding the right one but about putting God first and being the right one.

Marriage is tremendous gift, but one that will require work and commitment. Expect that no matter who you marry, your concept of love will be refined. When we lean on God and walk alongside the Holy Spirit with reckless abandon, we will have everything we need to be a great wife or husband. 

     2 Peter 1:3 promises, "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life          through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."

Be Inspired...

God Is the Best Match Maker..

   I sat down on my bed talking to God and pouring out my heart to Him. In actual fact- I was telling God about how the kind of guy I wanted.....lol...funny but true!
It wasn’t like there were no guys.....there were lots of them.....in fact; it was like jumping from one odd bus to another. I didn’t just want boyfriend material, I wanted a husband (not that I’m getting married soon) but then, I wanted someone who loved God like I did, someone who understood me perfectly, someone who complemented me, someone who shared in my vision and also had his, someone whose utmost desire was to make heaven, someone who I could plan my life with and together we would prayerfully set our future in motion....the list was endless. By the time I was done telling God the kind of guy I wanted, I felt like one of those ladies with a highly unrealistic “dream guy”.

Long story cut short, he came into my life a couple of months afterwards. By that time, I was practicing what I learnt from Funto Ibuoye about Waiting. I was prayerfully preparing myself, focusing on my relationship with God and developing my career when my “prince charming” located me.
Today, I celebrate two things amongst a host of others.
1) I’m a year older and all glory belongs to God.
2) I celebrate my engagement to the man of my dreams.
Here’s what I’ve learnt in the past one year- God listens....He always does! And He knows the perfect way to respond!

 This testimony is great and should inspire every Lady in waiting. Too many times, i've had people tell me i have unrealistic expectations when it comes to my "dream guy" but as a believer i'm very certain that God is able to do more than we ask or imagine.
There are days, i feel like giving up then i smile and say to myself "God has never failed". Ladies nothing in the world is worth giving up your relationship with Christ for.
The moral of the story is this, God is still in the business of answering prayers if we ask. Wishing Temitope and her lover a blissful union.


cheers..

SILENCE IS NO LONGER GOLDEN - PART 1 ...communication is

My protest this time is against the men in our lives, as they are exceptionally skilled at "the silent treatment". its gotten so worrisome that i had to devote my time to a research into why they would rather go silent than engage in problem resolving communication with us. Apparently they dont view it the same way.
"silence is golden" is an old adage used when speaking or responding isnt the wise thing to do, not some sort of punitive measure.

so i come home ranting to you about some ugly situation at my work place or a working relationship gone wrong and you dont say a thing, how is that supposed to make me feel? better? i hear its because you are afraid i cannot handle the truth, you have done your logical calculations and come to a conclusion that i'm the one who's wrong and you rather just keep quiet about it than place your head in the blender.
have you ever heard this "women talk for expression, men talk for information". I dont need the truth at that time,keep it for when i'm less emotional, show some interest and just comfort me. i need that better than your logical input, and your silence even less

ok, now we had this intense argument, you realize you are wrong, and then go silent on me. who does that? i hear you also have emotions almost as much as i do but i lately just found out from my Pastors while teaching the marriage series just because you fail to put a voice to it . i hear its because you are afraid to spill emotions. I understand expressing a roller coaster of emotions isnt your thing, but i am closer to you than most people in your life, its ok to get mushy with me, talk to me, i wont consider it cheesy.

I also found out you'd rather keep quiet than express your anger and blurt out. Aww! thats so sweet of you honey. its thoughtful of you to prefer not to hurt me. but then your silence lasts a bit too long. i even think your silence lasts far much longer that your anger does. i'd prefare you dont go to sleep still keeping quiet on me, lets talk about it and give me the opportunity to apologize.

By: Itunu Adeyemi

"What Modesty Is Not"

The word modesty makes us cringe because we begin to think about what we can’t do. We have heard how we can’t wear certain styles, images or words on our clothes, we can’t dance a certain way, and we can’t appear sexy. Yes, at times, rules such as these can make modesty easier to understand, but here’s the deal, God didn’t create modesty as a rule, He created it as a guide to remind and redirect our focus back to Him. 

When you look at scripture we see God giving us examples, not rules, about the way to dress. These examples are to show us that our clothes and outward appearance are not where we gain our true significance or beauty. God didn’t intend for these examples to become the rules that we live our lives by. When we make these our rules it can cause us to compare our standards to others instead of to God. When those comparisons prove us slightly better we call ourselves good. God would rather us seek Him in each situation, asking questions like “What is the wise choice for my situation?” or “Does this outfit point to God or to myself?”. God doesn’t want us to seek the rules for our answers; He wants us to seek Him. He wants us to search His truth and wisdom for each situation. 
    "I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

A woman[a] should learn in quietness and full submission."

God doesn’t’ care about style, dance steps, or feeling sexy. He cares about you. He cares about having a relationship where you continuously align your life with Him and renew your mind with His truth. He knows that when this happens, you will be in a place where you can receive whatever He has to say about modesty, whether it be from the bible, a leader, friend or just a personal conviction. Modesty isn’t about following man-made rules; it’s about searching God’s heart and growing closer to Him. Start seeking to align your heart, mind and soul with God’s truth in the area of your body and He will reveal what is right for you. He won’t disappoint you as you begin to know, love and apply His wisdom to your life. 

"What Modesty Is"

Growing up when I heard the word modesty I thought it was basically about covering up everything. Dressing decently and all but thankfully, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I signed up for a Modesty Challenge and i know better now.

Modesty is a lifestyle, not a style of clothing. It is about living in such a way that all our actions, including the way dress, point people to Jesus instead of ourselves. When God talks about modest dress He isn’t commanding us to cover up every inch of who or how He made us. Instead, He is showing us how to decrease so that He can increase in our lives and be glorified. 

     1Peter 3:3 "Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;"

I will be concentrating more on how the principle of modesty affects what we wear. God knew that modesty in this area would be hard! He knew that we would want to wear certain clothes that make us fit in, feel sexy, and gain stares of approval. He knew that the way we dress would be an area that would draw our attention away from Him. Therefore, He introduces us to modesty. 

In a world and culture inundated with ways to please self, God knew that we would need a reminder that beauty comes from Him, not from our clothes. Modesty wasn’t designed to frustrate us, God designed modesty to help keep our lives and bodies focused on Him instead of ourselves. I hope you take advantage of this opportunity to see modesty for what it truly is, living and dressing in a way that points people to Jesus! I pray we open our heart and allow God to wipe away any preconceived ideas and start allowing God to show us what dressing modestly is really all about. 

     

   2Corinthuans 5:20  "Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God."

Before You Fall..

A lot of times we know the right thing to do but we lack the power & will to do the right thing. We fall not because we don't have God but because we depend on our own strength! ・・・

"It's not  your weakness that gets you in trouble, it's your delusion of strength." #PaulTripp

Let's be honest, if we're not remaining in a posture of worship, praying, and daily building our faith on God's Word...then how can expect to be spiritually strong when temptation arrives? God has to be our strength in every area of our lives as we expect and prepare for the temptation that comes our way.

Let God Help You Heal.

Have you ever found yourself so excited that you can’t even explain Why?
Yes, this is exactly how i’ve being feeling ever since i made a powerful decision. I gave my life to Christ. I remember the good old days where i would cry over everything i couldn’t control, explain and handle. I would blame myself for everything even when i’m not at fault but then something great happened….I made a decision to always stay happy no matter how bad things turned out to be.
I’m 24 and i’ve had my share of unhealthy relationships ( talking about Emotional abuse). At some point i could vouch i was the most insecured Lady on earth with so much paranoia in me, i was living in Bondage. I was in conflict with myself because i didn’t trust God enough to help me deal with the Pain. I needed to let go & let God but i made things complicated for myself by not Trusting in God to help me.
I went to the mall someday to get a book to read ( i love reading & it has helped me develop somethings about me) so i saw a book by T.D Jakes “Woman, thou art loosed”, i opened the 1st chapter & right there i found what i have been looking for…..the First chapter was about the infirmed woman & it had this catchy bible verse :

“Luke 13:11-12 (KJV)
And, behold, there was a woman which had a spirit of infirmity eighteen years, and was bowed together, and could in no wise lift up herself. [And when Jesus saw her, he called ] her to him[, and said unto her, ] Woman, thou art loosed from thine infirmity.” 

I could relate to that story. Hence, i got the book & went home to deal with my Infirmity…lol
The infirmity that attacked the woman in the bible was physical. However, a lot of us are also wrestling with infirmities in cases of Emotional traumas especially when we are trying to deal with the long-range after effects of past pain.
The truth is we can’t do it on our own. No matter how much we analyze the condition & understand its origin, we still need to take the auhority of God’s word to put the past under our feet!!! The trauma could be as fresh as the day it occured but the only prescription is a present word from God!
Another issue that could arise from wallowing in the past is depending on others for healing, because at this point we become an Emotional handicap, and we begin to spawn a series of unhealthy relationships (DANGER).
Anyway, after i had read a few pages of the first chapter, i realized how much of a VICTIM i had NURTURED myself to be. Oh yes! I would cry and cry, i often found myself talking about how much pain i was feeling (very weak of me ) & i became more desperate to the extent that i actually PAVED way for more people to take advantage of me…..
My dear sisters, please take note of the few points listed below which i learnt from my T.D JAKES book & i urge you to inculcate it in your everyday life regardless of whatever you are going through :

. Healing cannot come to a desperate person rummaging through other people’s lives. We need to break the habit of using other people as a narcotic to numb the dull aching of an inner void. IT NEVER WORKS & WILL NEVER WORK!

. Avoid addictive & obsessive relationships. If you find yourself increasingly dependent upon anything other than God to create a wholeness in your life, then you are abusing your relationships. ( clinging to people is far different from loving them, it is not so much a statement of your love for them but a crying out of your need for them.)

. Forgive…to forgive is to break the link between you & your past. Regardless of who you hold responsible, there is no healing in blame!

Desist from people that will not add value to your life.

If your relationship is going wrong, Pray about it and ask God to give you the strength to carry on…believe me “A failed relationship is better than a failed Marriage”

Love...

NB: post was originally written in 2013!

God First.....

Good and upright is the Lord; therefore He teaches sinners in the way. The humble He guides in justice, and the humble He teaches His way.

Psalm 25:8–9

Dear father, you are good. Your ways are perfect and above my own. You deserve my full obedience and my worship. You are my teacher and authority because of your goodness.

Humble me today when I choose my way over yours. Use my prideful moments as an opportunity to teach me and redirect me.

Show my friends that your goodness is more important than their desires. Provide them with encouragement to seek your good and upright way.

Thank you for your constant instruction and concern for each step of my life.

In the name of Jesus I pray these things, amen. 

God & God Alone..

Yet for us there is one God, the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus Christ, through whom are all things, and through whom we live.

1 CoRinthians 8:6

God, you are my father who gives all good things. I have life because of you, and there is no one like you.

I ask that you would deepen that truth in my heart today. Point out my idols and the things I worship apart from you, that I would remember you alone are my God.

Give my friends and loved ones freedom from their idols as well so they can fully enjoy being part of your family. Help them know that you are their only creator and nothing on this earth has ownership of them.

Thank you for loving us, your creation, even when we go astray.

In Jesus’ name, amen. 

Lady in Waiting: Lady of Diligence, using your free time to serve God

LADY OF DILIGENCE – 

 The perfect time to make the most of every opportunity is while you are single.

“Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.” Ephesians 5:15-17 (NIV)
The perfect time to make the most of every opportunity is while you are SINGLE. This is because “The single woman can be involved in the Lord’s work on a level that a married woman cannot because of the distractions and responsibilities of being a wife and mother.

Ironically, some single women can be so distressed by their single state that they become emotionally more distracted than a wife and mother of four children. 
 According to John Fischer, "God  has called us to live now. He wants us to realize our full  potential as a man right now, to be thankful about where we are, and to enjoy it to the fullest."
Ruth was willing to use her life working diligently at whatever her Lord called her to do. She refused to be paralyzed by her lack of a Husband or a mate.
Serving God brings so much Joy, an inexpressible Joy but people who are not involved in serving the Lord can never experience this joy.

Are you busy serving Jesus during your free time, or do you waste hours trying to pursue and snag an available guy? Ruth was a widow, but she did not use her time sponsoring pity parties for all unhappy single women to gather and compare the misery of datelessness. When she and Naomi moved back to Bethlehem, Ruth did not waste a moment feeling sorry for herself. She went right to work. Instead of being drained by her discouraging circumstances, she took advantage of them and diligently embraced each day.
I don’t know about you but I am challenged by Ruth not to waste time anymore.

LET’S PRAY

Father I thank you for challenging us through the life of Ruth who did not waste time feeling sorry for herself as a widow but she did her work diligently.  Lord help us to open our eyes and see that the harvest is plenty but the laborers are few.  May we seize the opportunities that come our way so that we may joyfully serve you.   In Jesus Name. Amen.

OUR FATHER.

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

matthew 6:9–10

Father, you are above all, know all, and see all. Yet you hear me as if I am your only creation.

May I not view you as a distant father, but as one who has come to earth and understands the challenges and temptations of my life. Be near me today and whisper reminders that you are close and holding me as your child.

My friends need you today as they make dif- ficult decisions in their workplaces and within their families. Would you show them that you are closer than even their earthly fathers?

Thank you for hearing me and listening to my pleas.

It’s in Jesus’ name I pray this, amen. 

LET US PRAY 2..

And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, “Abba, Father!”

Galatians 4:6

Abba, thank you for sending a helper to direct my steps. You know everything and will guide me in your will.

Help me to know your will. Keep me on the path you have set for me. Give me the desire to stay true to that path, and forgive me for the times I have already strayed from you.

Be with my friends and family who are at a crossroads and don’t know what to do next. May your spirit guide them and make the best decision clear.

Thank you for caring about the details of my life, for not believing any request is too small.

I pray this in Jesus’ name, amen. 

Fiance Dad Called Off Engagement..

Unlike usual breakups, a broken engagement is a lot more difficult to handle. Let go is the hardest thing you can tell a lady that has just been heartbroken by a Man she loves, especially one she's engaged to. In 2013 after years of dating and been in serious love with someone I assumed was Mr right, we had done the usual family introduction and wedding plans was already in progress.

One gloomy Sunday afternoon, we were together and he received a call from his Father. He excused himself to answer the phone call and he came back not looking the same. He didn't telI me what the discussion was about but his countenance changed. While i was still trying to figure out his sudden mood change, i got a text message from his dad saying "By now I know you would have heard that we are no longer in your association with our Son, please find your way and leave him alone"  That was exactly how he wrote it. I'm sorry, I can never forget that statement. That was the beginning of the end as at then, I fell ill immediately, started purging, battling with Cold and fever at the same time. It felt like that was the end of me.  I went home alone with trembling knees, cold and shaky hands, and my face soaked in tears. Ooohh my oh my, I grieved. I cried, cried and cried until i couldn't cry again.

    What have I done wrong to deserve this?  Am I not wife-material? How can he do this to me after all those years? What is he looking for that I don’t have? Is there something wrong with me?

  I asked myself these questionas and more.

I was a Front facing staff in my office and i was always in tears. I'm sure my network provider had a good time during that period because of the amount i was recharging daily. I called him several times to beg him and even suggested that we fast and pray but his response wasn't encouraging..."you cannot beat a dead horse or you know I have ulcer".

    

This was my life for over 10months, I shrunk in size as i was always starving myself.

But moving on, I joined a fellowship, started praying(my prayer points was for him to just come back and apologize). 

God blessed me with amazing friends that made it a duty to call me daily and talk about something else just to distract me from what i was going through. I just couldn't let go or i was finding it hard to. I also knew that i didn't want to remain a shattered Lady so I started praying to God to help me get some sleep and i could tell that my peace was gradually being restored as i started sleeping well.  I went further asking God for a good appetite, it worked!

Then i said to myself "God answer prayers". I soon became myself again, I was healing...i started smiling at work and then started applying makeup again....lol.... It took me about a year though to get over the whole thing...*smile*

I moved on. One good day, a friend called to ask for my consent to give someone my number, I said No. She called me about a month after to ask if she could give the same person my number, then i agreed. We got talking as friends and exactly one year after we met, we got married. Have I been happy? Veryyyyyy happy, Do I regret  been heartbroken? No, i am grateful to God because i wouldn't have met my husband if i was still holding on to that painful experience. I am not only married to the most amazing man, i have amazing in-laws. God delivered my special package. He's preparing yours too..Letting go is a gradual process with the help and grace of God which is available to us through fellowship with him and other believers.  If you're reading this and you're dealing with a broken engagement or nursing a heartbreak, i want you to know that you can never get anything lesser than God's best if you put Him first. 

Yes, you may be hurting pretty badly right now, but please never forget that God has someone for you. Going through this unbearable pain could be His way of molding you to be the perfect spouse that He wants you to be.

As an end note, I just want to say that whatever sufferings I went through in the past played an important role in bringing me to what I am today – a happily married girl. So, cheer up and take courage. A beautiful sunrise awaits you.

Smile....

Anonymous writer...

LET US PRAY

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by

whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.”

Romans 8:15

Father, you have made me your child through your Spirit. In your kindness you adopted me and delivered me from sin and death.

Remind me today what it means to be your child and to be free from that law. It is so easy for me to live my day on my own terms. Help me to live it in light of your grace.

I pray for my friends and family. Help them experience your love as their father and feel their inheritance in your spirit.

Thank you for accepting me as I am but not leaving me the same.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Max Lucardo

 

I Broke My Abstinence Vow~ How Far Is Too Far?

I Broke My Vow Continuation....

I know a lot of you read my last post and have tagged Ade a bad character in your mind but the truth is i went foo far! The bible has warned us not to be "unequally yoked with unbelievers" Ade was a Christian but not a God chaser. 

I made up my mind to save sex until marriage but some part of me still thought it was okay to kiss,cuddle and maybe grind (allow me...). I knew purity wasn't just about not having sex but i still thought it was okay to get physical and this made me lead Ade on. I knew sleeping over at Ade's wasn't a smart move but the thought of "spicing it up a little" failed me.

As dating christian singles I wonder how far we should go sexually. 

I get that God asks us to save sex until our wedding day, but even in a dating relationship, i know sex isn’t the only line to consider.

Some of you have decided not to kiss until marriage. Others think kissing is okay. Some of you have said you will only hold hands. Others choose a different line. Some of you have realized you’ve gone too far physically only after the damage has been done. That’s why I think it’s wise to know how far you’re willing to go long before you ever have the opportunity to act. But … how far is too far?

Consider these principles checkpoints on the path to purity. If the level of your physical activity in your dating relationship allows you to stick to these principles, you have strong boundaries in place. If the level of physical contact in your relationship violates even one of these principles, you’ve probably gone too far.

Whatever 

Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

The question you should be asking is not “How far can we go without getting into trouble?” but “What can we do to think about things that are pure and honorable?”

Can you hold hands, kiss, make out, hug and think thoughts that are pure and honorable? At some point your actions will cause your thoughts to shift away from what is pure and honorable and true and toward a desire for increased sexual contact. We can't decide where out line is after our thoughts have switched to the impure. We need to plan ahead of time how far wevthink we can go and still keep our thoughts fixed on the things of God.

     Ephesians 5:3 says, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people” (NIV).

This passage tells us not to even hint at sexual sin and we will be doing the opposite when we spend hours passionately kissing on our boyfriend’s couch leaving each other wanting more and more physical contact. If you are hinting at sex, you’re going too far!!!

If purity is your goal, make a commitment to never cause another person to want to go all the way. Always consider whether your actions might cause your boyfriend to want to become more physically involved. Filter what you see on dates (movies, videos, TV shows), what you do when you’re together, how you relate to each other, how you touch … everything you do!

Don’t Light the Fire like i did with Ade. God didn’t just list a bunch of rules for physical behavior before marriage in His Word. He did something better by giving us principles in His Word that we can apply to our relationships. I can’t tell you exactly how far is too far, but any physical contact made that leaves you wanting some more isn't PURE.

    Mark 14:38 "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

I Broke My Abstinence Vow...

I met Ade at some wedding...intelligent guy, witty and good looking, although I had known him for some time because we attended the same university, we barely talked because I thought he was full of himself. I noticed HE was staring at me a few times and each time I stared back at him, I felt a piercing in my heart. I liked the tingly feeling, no guy has had that effect on me in a while and it felt right. We exchanged contact details after the wedding and we soon began communicating often, he would send me the usual morning messages or stay up at night to chat with me since i only worked night shifts. Myself and Ade became closer and i didn't have a problem with it, he asked questions like someone with genuine intentions and i fancied every bit of our honest conversations (naked convos) I didn't have to say much to him because we graduated from the same University and he knew some of my bad girl gist (lol), i also knew a few things about him too so we just needed to do a bit of catching up. On the night of our supposed first date, he decided that we hang out with some of his friends (i wasn't totally cool with this but didn't complain). He received me well like the perfect gentleman, looked into my eyes and called me beautiful (of course i know i am but it felt nice hearing it from him). He remembered our first conversation at our University inside the school library and that totally blew my mind (seemed like he had been keeping close tabs on me..*yimu*), he said he liked me i told him i liked him too as I’m usually that open. Our date night was soon over as it was getting late and he dropped me at a friend’s place. We ended our night with a passionate kiss and then there was an interrupted power supply, soon I found myself in his house fighting temptation ...hmmmmm

There was a major challenge as Ade was sexually active. Although, I had been celibate for over one year, i didn't stop sleeping at his thinking i could fight the temptation or hoping he would just respect my opinion and stop asking me for sex someday. I guess a part of me just felt it wasn't a bad idea since we weren't having sex. One faithful night it happened, i broke my vow of abstinence.

Let me tell you about Ade,  He was a very good guy (or so I thought), he knew how to handle me when i misbehaved but he soon started acting funny,maybe in my head he was acting funny, although after that episode i began to see the real side of him (the side i really knew). I obviously liked him but i knew he wasn't the man for my faith. I felt very unsafe when i didn't hear from him but i still short changed myself. It was a sweet feeling but not totally healthy.

 I can't explain the guilt i dealt with after this incident; i couldn't forgive myself let alone ask God for forgiveness. I couldn't pray, i felt dirty, soiled and even had the urge to stop talking about God. I confided in a few Christian friends that later advised me not to give up. I finally summoned the courage to ask God for forgiveness but trust me i don't ever want to deal with that guilt i felt again. I started to tell myself the truth which was that i liked Ade but couldn't be in a relationship with him. I know a lot of Christian singles can relate to this story. I've had a few people ask me how to handle issues like this but i'll just like to tell anyone reading this that "Nothing is worth giving up your Godly standards for" There's nothing comfortable about our Christian race but with God on our side we will make it! We need to constantly ask for God's help because we can’t do it on our own. Many times in relationships, we find ourselves stooping down to reach others’ standards. We sacrifice the little of we have just to meet others halfway. This usually happens to women when we meet or date someone whom we think might be a little intimidated by us, we do not show our true potential in fear that we might scare him away. Sometimes, we have to forget our own needs to give way in relationships. Women are creatures capable of loving so much that they are willing to sacrifice their own happiness and needs for the sake of those in need. And that’s not always a good thing. Problem is it sometimes comes to a point when we obliviously sell ourselves short, we forget our value, we neglect our own needs, and we sacrifice way too much. If a relationship is asking you to sacrifice your dignity and values, it is time to walk away from that relationship.

We all feel unworthy at one point in our lives. Every morning, the enemy whisper lies in our hearts: You are ugly, You are sinful, you are not worthy of God’s grace. The truth is you have not been diminished in the eyes of God. It's understandable you feel guilty; you made a promise and you broke it but if you have asked God for forgiveness, you can be sure He has forgiven you, maybe even before you asked. Talking to your friend would probably be helpful, if they aren't going to be judgmental and will talk it out with you. You aren't damaged goods or any of that nonsense, try to remember that. God forgives you, remember what Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, "Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more". You have a repentant heart and that's the biggest thing, just do your best from here on out. It will get better, especially once you realize that God loves you and will always forgive you. Peace and love.

"Safeguard your soul, Guard your heart and protect yourself."

 Are you stuck in a similar relationship chaos? Do you need help or do you have any story to share with us that can help others?

To be continued...Feel free to leave comments.