I met Ade at some wedding...intelligent guy, witty and good looking, although I had known him for some time because we attended the same university, we barely talked because I thought he was full of himself. I noticed HE was staring at me a few times and each time I stared back at him, I felt a piercing in my heart. I liked the tingly feeling, no guy has had that effect on me in a while and it felt right. We exchanged contact details after the wedding and we soon began communicating often, he would send me the usual morning messages or stay up at night to chat with me since i only worked night shifts. Myself and Ade became closer and i didn't have a problem with it, he asked questions like someone with genuine intentions and i fancied every bit of our honest conversations (naked convos) I didn't have to say much to him because we graduated from the same University and he knew some of my bad girl gist (lol), i also knew a few things about him too so we just needed to do a bit of catching up. On the night of our supposed first date, he decided that we hang out with some of his friends (i wasn't totally cool with this but didn't complain). He received me well like the perfect gentleman, looked into my eyes and called me beautiful (of course i know i am but it felt nice hearing it from him). He remembered our first conversation at our University inside the school library and that totally blew my mind (seemed like he had been keeping close tabs on me..*yimu*), he said he liked me i told him i liked him too as I’m usually that open. Our date night was soon over as it was getting late and he dropped me at a friend’s place. We ended our night with a passionate kiss and then there was an interrupted power supply, soon I found myself in his house fighting temptation ...hmmmmm
There was a major challenge as Ade was sexually active. Although, I had been celibate for over one year, i didn't stop sleeping at his thinking i could fight the temptation or hoping he would just respect my opinion and stop asking me for sex someday. I guess a part of me just felt it wasn't a bad idea since we weren't having sex. One faithful night it happened, i broke my vow of abstinence.
Let me tell you about Ade, He was a very good guy (or so I thought), he knew how to handle me when i misbehaved but he soon started acting funny,maybe in my head he was acting funny, although after that episode i began to see the real side of him (the side i really knew). I obviously liked him but i knew he wasn't the man for my faith. I felt very unsafe when i didn't hear from him but i still short changed myself. It was a sweet feeling but not totally healthy.
I can't explain the guilt i dealt with after this incident; i couldn't forgive myself let alone ask God for forgiveness. I couldn't pray, i felt dirty, soiled and even had the urge to stop talking about God. I confided in a few Christian friends that later advised me not to give up. I finally summoned the courage to ask God for forgiveness but trust me i don't ever want to deal with that guilt i felt again. I started to tell myself the truth which was that i liked Ade but couldn't be in a relationship with him. I know a lot of Christian singles can relate to this story. I've had a few people ask me how to handle issues like this but i'll just like to tell anyone reading this that "Nothing is worth giving up your Godly standards for" There's nothing comfortable about our Christian race but with God on our side we will make it! We need to constantly ask for God's help because we can’t do it on our own. Many times in relationships, we find ourselves stooping down to reach others’ standards. We sacrifice the little of we have just to meet others halfway. This usually happens to women when we meet or date someone whom we think might be a little intimidated by us, we do not show our true potential in fear that we might scare him away. Sometimes, we have to forget our own needs to give way in relationships. Women are creatures capable of loving so much that they are willing to sacrifice their own happiness and needs for the sake of those in need. And that’s not always a good thing. Problem is it sometimes comes to a point when we obliviously sell ourselves short, we forget our value, we neglect our own needs, and we sacrifice way too much. If a relationship is asking you to sacrifice your dignity and values, it is time to walk away from that relationship.
We all feel unworthy at one point in our lives. Every morning, the enemy whisper lies in our hearts: You are ugly, You are sinful, you are not worthy of God’s grace. The truth is you have not been diminished in the eyes of God. It's understandable you feel guilty; you made a promise and you broke it but if you have asked God for forgiveness, you can be sure He has forgiven you, maybe even before you asked. Talking to your friend would probably be helpful, if they aren't going to be judgmental and will talk it out with you. You aren't damaged goods or any of that nonsense, try to remember that. God forgives you, remember what Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, "Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more". You have a repentant heart and that's the biggest thing, just do your best from here on out. It will get better, especially once you realize that God loves you and will always forgive you. Peace and love.
"Safeguard your soul, Guard your heart and protect yourself."
Are you stuck in a similar relationship chaos? Do you need help or do you have any story to share with us that can help others?
To be continued...Feel free to leave comments.
