How Do I Know The Right One For me?

How to Identify "The right one" for me is one question that haunts everyone  but i also know that the reason for that question is mostly out of fear.

The truth is a lot of Christian marriages today has failed because Christians have spiritualized things by placing their hopes of happily ever after on finding "THE RIGHT ONE." When marriage gets difficult, a woman may panic, thinking, "Oh, no! I picked the wrong guy."

You hear statements like "i never should have married him. I had doubts before the wedding and i didn't call it off." It is true that some signs can't be ignored and that is where applying wisom is needed.

Whomever you marry, living out a lifetime commitment of love will be a challenge. One of the Bible's most romantic love stories is the account of Isaac and Rebekah, found in Genesis 24. If there were ever a situation in which God clearly said, "This is the one you should marry!," it was this couple. They were truly a match made in heaven.

Fast-forward to years later. The lovers became parents of twin boys who despise each other. Isaac loves Esau, and Rebekah loves Jacob. We find this husband and wife in a web of manipulation, anger, and deceit. Finding "the one" certainly didn't guarantee a life-long, stress-free love affair. Selfishness and bitterness compromised their love, even though they were ordained by God to fall in love and marry.

Instead of asking the question, "is this who i should marry?" ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I in God's will?

There are some things about our lives that God has not clearly revealed to us. Instead of spinning the wheels trying to figure out what we don't know, we should walk with the Holy spirit. Don't run ahead of Him, and don't lag behind. If you're in Christ, the very Spirit of God dwells in you. As we seek love and marriage, God has given us some clear guidelines of his will and if we really want God to direct our ateps toward the tight man, we have to be obedient to all he's asked of us. Study his word, be prayerful, keep your mind and body pure, and give thanks for your current circumstances. God speaks to hearts that are prepared to listen and obey.

Do not be unequally yoked and flee from sexual immoralities is very clear and direct. Although it could be very challenging  but it's one of the guidelines God has given us.  Dating someone who is on the same spiritual level as you is also something every Christian should consider.

2. Am i seeking wisdom?

Following God's leading isn't always looking for a message in the sky, telling you what to do next. Often, God leads through the wisdom of those he has put in our lives. Solomon mentioned in Proverbs that the difference between a wise person and a fool is whether or not they are open to feedback.

There are general principles of wisdom that can help us in dating and choosing a spouse. E.g it is wise to know a person for at least a year before making the commitment of marriage. Meet his family, his friends and see him in different types of circumstances. 

When  friend or parent raises a concern, do you write them off, or even get angry? There will be patterns and "red flags" about any relationship that are difficult for us to see. We may feel so "in love" and sure about a relationship that we can't imagine it turning sour. It is important to listen to what friends and family members have to say. Ask for their feedback. Be willing to break off a relationship or even an engagement if needed.

3. Am i realistic about Marriage?

While every marriage has seasons of difficulty and disappointment, they also have times of great joy and celebration. Who you marry is a very IMPORTANT DECISION. However, marital happiness isn't solely based on finding Prince Charming. The difference between intimacy and broken vows depends largely on the work you're willing to do within marriage. Any two people who are willing to grow and work through challenges can have a dynamic relationship. Our Differences should help us grow and not consider divorce. In seasons of disagreement, we are to keep our love for each other and for God intentionally. Its not always about finding the right one but about putting God first and being the right one.

Marriage is tremendous gift, but one that will require work and commitment. Expect that no matter who you marry, your concept of love will be refined. When we lean on God and walk alongside the Holy Spirit with reckless abandon, we will have everything we need to be a great wife or husband. 

     2 Peter 1:3 promises, "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life          through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."

Let God Help You Heal.

Have you ever found yourself so excited that you can’t even explain Why?
Yes, this is exactly how i’ve being feeling ever since i made a powerful decision. I gave my life to Christ. I remember the good old days where i would cry over everything i couldn’t control, explain and handle. I would blame myself for everything even when i’m not at fault but then something great happened….I made a decision to always stay happy no matter how bad things turned out to be.
I’m 24 and i’ve had my share of unhealthy relationships ( talking about Emotional abuse). At some point i could vouch i was the most insecured Lady on earth with so much paranoia in me, i was living in Bondage. I was in conflict with myself because i didn’t trust God enough to help me deal with the Pain. I needed to let go & let God but i made things complicated for myself by not Trusting in God to help me.
I went to the mall someday to get a book to read ( i love reading & it has helped me develop somethings about me) so i saw a book by T.D Jakes “Woman, thou art loosed”, i opened the 1st chapter & right there i found what i have been looking for…..the First chapter was about the infirmed woman & it had this catchy bible verse :

“Luke 13:11-12 (KJV)
And, behold, there was a woman which had a spirit of infirmity eighteen years, and was bowed together, and could in no wise lift up herself. [And when Jesus saw her, he called ] her to him[, and said unto her, ] Woman, thou art loosed from thine infirmity.” 

I could relate to that story. Hence, i got the book & went home to deal with my Infirmity…lol
The infirmity that attacked the woman in the bible was physical. However, a lot of us are also wrestling with infirmities in cases of Emotional traumas especially when we are trying to deal with the long-range after effects of past pain.
The truth is we can’t do it on our own. No matter how much we analyze the condition & understand its origin, we still need to take the auhority of God’s word to put the past under our feet!!! The trauma could be as fresh as the day it occured but the only prescription is a present word from God!
Another issue that could arise from wallowing in the past is depending on others for healing, because at this point we become an Emotional handicap, and we begin to spawn a series of unhealthy relationships (DANGER).
Anyway, after i had read a few pages of the first chapter, i realized how much of a VICTIM i had NURTURED myself to be. Oh yes! I would cry and cry, i often found myself talking about how much pain i was feeling (very weak of me ) & i became more desperate to the extent that i actually PAVED way for more people to take advantage of me…..
My dear sisters, please take note of the few points listed below which i learnt from my T.D JAKES book & i urge you to inculcate it in your everyday life regardless of whatever you are going through :

. Healing cannot come to a desperate person rummaging through other people’s lives. We need to break the habit of using other people as a narcotic to numb the dull aching of an inner void. IT NEVER WORKS & WILL NEVER WORK!

. Avoid addictive & obsessive relationships. If you find yourself increasingly dependent upon anything other than God to create a wholeness in your life, then you are abusing your relationships. ( clinging to people is far different from loving them, it is not so much a statement of your love for them but a crying out of your need for them.)

. Forgive…to forgive is to break the link between you & your past. Regardless of who you hold responsible, there is no healing in blame!

Desist from people that will not add value to your life.

If your relationship is going wrong, Pray about it and ask God to give you the strength to carry on…believe me “A failed relationship is better than a failed Marriage”

Love...

NB: post was originally written in 2013!

I Broke My Abstinence Vow...

I met Ade at some wedding...intelligent guy, witty and good looking, although I had known him for some time because we attended the same university, we barely talked because I thought he was full of himself. I noticed HE was staring at me a few times and each time I stared back at him, I felt a piercing in my heart. I liked the tingly feeling, no guy has had that effect on me in a while and it felt right. We exchanged contact details after the wedding and we soon began communicating often, he would send me the usual morning messages or stay up at night to chat with me since i only worked night shifts. Myself and Ade became closer and i didn't have a problem with it, he asked questions like someone with genuine intentions and i fancied every bit of our honest conversations (naked convos) I didn't have to say much to him because we graduated from the same University and he knew some of my bad girl gist (lol), i also knew a few things about him too so we just needed to do a bit of catching up. On the night of our supposed first date, he decided that we hang out with some of his friends (i wasn't totally cool with this but didn't complain). He received me well like the perfect gentleman, looked into my eyes and called me beautiful (of course i know i am but it felt nice hearing it from him). He remembered our first conversation at our University inside the school library and that totally blew my mind (seemed like he had been keeping close tabs on me..*yimu*), he said he liked me i told him i liked him too as I’m usually that open. Our date night was soon over as it was getting late and he dropped me at a friend’s place. We ended our night with a passionate kiss and then there was an interrupted power supply, soon I found myself in his house fighting temptation ...hmmmmm

There was a major challenge as Ade was sexually active. Although, I had been celibate for over one year, i didn't stop sleeping at his thinking i could fight the temptation or hoping he would just respect my opinion and stop asking me for sex someday. I guess a part of me just felt it wasn't a bad idea since we weren't having sex. One faithful night it happened, i broke my vow of abstinence.

Let me tell you about Ade,  He was a very good guy (or so I thought), he knew how to handle me when i misbehaved but he soon started acting funny,maybe in my head he was acting funny, although after that episode i began to see the real side of him (the side i really knew). I obviously liked him but i knew he wasn't the man for my faith. I felt very unsafe when i didn't hear from him but i still short changed myself. It was a sweet feeling but not totally healthy.

 I can't explain the guilt i dealt with after this incident; i couldn't forgive myself let alone ask God for forgiveness. I couldn't pray, i felt dirty, soiled and even had the urge to stop talking about God. I confided in a few Christian friends that later advised me not to give up. I finally summoned the courage to ask God for forgiveness but trust me i don't ever want to deal with that guilt i felt again. I started to tell myself the truth which was that i liked Ade but couldn't be in a relationship with him. I know a lot of Christian singles can relate to this story. I've had a few people ask me how to handle issues like this but i'll just like to tell anyone reading this that "Nothing is worth giving up your Godly standards for" There's nothing comfortable about our Christian race but with God on our side we will make it! We need to constantly ask for God's help because we can’t do it on our own. Many times in relationships, we find ourselves stooping down to reach others’ standards. We sacrifice the little of we have just to meet others halfway. This usually happens to women when we meet or date someone whom we think might be a little intimidated by us, we do not show our true potential in fear that we might scare him away. Sometimes, we have to forget our own needs to give way in relationships. Women are creatures capable of loving so much that they are willing to sacrifice their own happiness and needs for the sake of those in need. And that’s not always a good thing. Problem is it sometimes comes to a point when we obliviously sell ourselves short, we forget our value, we neglect our own needs, and we sacrifice way too much. If a relationship is asking you to sacrifice your dignity and values, it is time to walk away from that relationship.

We all feel unworthy at one point in our lives. Every morning, the enemy whisper lies in our hearts: You are ugly, You are sinful, you are not worthy of God’s grace. The truth is you have not been diminished in the eyes of God. It's understandable you feel guilty; you made a promise and you broke it but if you have asked God for forgiveness, you can be sure He has forgiven you, maybe even before you asked. Talking to your friend would probably be helpful, if they aren't going to be judgmental and will talk it out with you. You aren't damaged goods or any of that nonsense, try to remember that. God forgives you, remember what Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, "Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more". You have a repentant heart and that's the biggest thing, just do your best from here on out. It will get better, especially once you realize that God loves you and will always forgive you. Peace and love.

"Safeguard your soul, Guard your heart and protect yourself."

 Are you stuck in a similar relationship chaos? Do you need help or do you have any story to share with us that can help others?

To be continued...Feel free to leave comments.