SILENCE IS NO LONGER GOLDEN -PART 2 ...communication is

Back to our intense argument or psychological fight (well, because you are quiet), i was told you go mum because you are afraid you wont win. yes, i know i sometimes want to have the last say and win the argument, so i go on and on and on. but honey, staying away altogether and avoiding a conversation doesnt do a better job of resolving our conflicts. it in fact takes a toll on our healthy relationship. I will try to be wiser and stop trying to win. 

Finally, I thank God everyday for my blessings, whenever i count them, you always come first on my list, you are a lover, then a provider. but honey, i heard you sometimes shut down on me and lose concentration on our conversations because your mind is somewhere else, that you most times worry about our finances, our on-going project, fees for our kids' ivy league education and funding of your new business idea. why not let me know when i'm talking about things that are completely out of your priority list and tell me about yours, I'll try and focus on yours at the time once you promise me we'll talk about mine next.

Ninety percent of our challenges will be resolved when we talk about it, don't worry, i'm learning the art of crucial conversations so i'll stop pushing you into silent mode. i just want us to get better and better. i want to have the finest of our wine with you when we are all grey and toothless.

By: Itunu Adeyemi

Should You Tell Your Partner About Your Sexual Past?

How much of your past is healthy to share in intimate relationships. How much does a potential husband need to know about your sexual experiences and struggles? How much should he tell you?

This is one of those issues that relationship coaches and counselors often disagree about. Some give counsel that complete honesty is always the best policy—meaning that you should share everything with someone in an intimate relationship. After all, intimacy is about being truthful, right?

We live in a  society that values raw honesty, calling it authenticity. A woman may feel that she is being dishonest to not share the most vulnerable details of her life by the third date. He needs to know who I am, right? The good, the bad, and the ugly?

Often when we share raw details of our lives, we do so for our own sake, not for the best interest of the other person. Sometimes, it just feels good to confess our past transgressions to others, just to relieve our guilt. Most women who quickly air their dirty laundry do it because fear rejection. “I’d rather him know and reject me now before I get attached.”

This is not to say you should be deceptive or dishonest in your relationship. Any form of deceit or manipulation is a violation of trust. The person you are with wants to know you—not some sanitized version of you. A dating relationship or courtship provides the opportunity to always present your best—to project the person you think he wants to see. After marriage, the masks inevitably come off sometimes with grave consequences.

I never knew he had a problem with porn. Why didn’t he tell me before we got married?

I was afraid to tell him about the abortion I had as a teen. Now that we can’t get pregnant, I have this secret guilt that it’s God punishing me. He still doesn’t know the truth!

Honesty and integrity are character traits that are central to a follower of Christ. However, our truth is always to be “measured” by love and discretion. In other words, for a man or woman to project themselves to be someone they are not is dishonest. If you have sexual sin or trauma in your past, don’t pretend that you have it all together in that department. As a relationship progresses into deeper levels of intimacy and commitment, the details of your life should also be shared with increasing vulnerability. However, that doesn’t mean that you ever get to the point where you disclose without discretion.

Scripture tells us to “speak the truth in love.” There are some things that may never be loving to share—even with your future husband. Most often, this type of sharing includes revealing the raw details of past indiscretions or traumas.

At some point along the road toward marriage, you should share basic facts, like acknowledging you were sexually active with other men before this relationship. However, certain details of who, what, where, when, and how may actually create a foothold of jealousy and anger.

The same is true for couples who are recovering from an infidelity. In an effort to rebuild trust, a husband or wife may insist on knowing exactly what happened—what positions and what acts. In my experience, this level of sharing is never helpful. It plants mental images in the mind and heart that haunt the relationship for years to come.

If you are struggling through questions of what to ask and how much to share, please seek wisdom and counsel. Too many couples, in the rawness of the night, share details that hurt rather than help.

Sometimes complete honesty is not the best policy. Instead, let us ask the Lord what “speaking the truth in love” looks like in our most intimate relationships.

Article:

christianwoman.com

How Do I Know The Right One For me?

How to Identify "The right one" for me is one question that haunts everyone  but i also know that the reason for that question is mostly out of fear.

The truth is a lot of Christian marriages today has failed because Christians have spiritualized things by placing their hopes of happily ever after on finding "THE RIGHT ONE." When marriage gets difficult, a woman may panic, thinking, "Oh, no! I picked the wrong guy."

You hear statements like "i never should have married him. I had doubts before the wedding and i didn't call it off." It is true that some signs can't be ignored and that is where applying wisom is needed.

Whomever you marry, living out a lifetime commitment of love will be a challenge. One of the Bible's most romantic love stories is the account of Isaac and Rebekah, found in Genesis 24. If there were ever a situation in which God clearly said, "This is the one you should marry!," it was this couple. They were truly a match made in heaven.

Fast-forward to years later. The lovers became parents of twin boys who despise each other. Isaac loves Esau, and Rebekah loves Jacob. We find this husband and wife in a web of manipulation, anger, and deceit. Finding "the one" certainly didn't guarantee a life-long, stress-free love affair. Selfishness and bitterness compromised their love, even though they were ordained by God to fall in love and marry.

Instead of asking the question, "is this who i should marry?" ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I in God's will?

There are some things about our lives that God has not clearly revealed to us. Instead of spinning the wheels trying to figure out what we don't know, we should walk with the Holy spirit. Don't run ahead of Him, and don't lag behind. If you're in Christ, the very Spirit of God dwells in you. As we seek love and marriage, God has given us some clear guidelines of his will and if we really want God to direct our ateps toward the tight man, we have to be obedient to all he's asked of us. Study his word, be prayerful, keep your mind and body pure, and give thanks for your current circumstances. God speaks to hearts that are prepared to listen and obey.

Do not be unequally yoked and flee from sexual immoralities is very clear and direct. Although it could be very challenging  but it's one of the guidelines God has given us.  Dating someone who is on the same spiritual level as you is also something every Christian should consider.

2. Am i seeking wisdom?

Following God's leading isn't always looking for a message in the sky, telling you what to do next. Often, God leads through the wisdom of those he has put in our lives. Solomon mentioned in Proverbs that the difference between a wise person and a fool is whether or not they are open to feedback.

There are general principles of wisdom that can help us in dating and choosing a spouse. E.g it is wise to know a person for at least a year before making the commitment of marriage. Meet his family, his friends and see him in different types of circumstances. 

When  friend or parent raises a concern, do you write them off, or even get angry? There will be patterns and "red flags" about any relationship that are difficult for us to see. We may feel so "in love" and sure about a relationship that we can't imagine it turning sour. It is important to listen to what friends and family members have to say. Ask for their feedback. Be willing to break off a relationship or even an engagement if needed.

3. Am i realistic about Marriage?

While every marriage has seasons of difficulty and disappointment, they also have times of great joy and celebration. Who you marry is a very IMPORTANT DECISION. However, marital happiness isn't solely based on finding Prince Charming. The difference between intimacy and broken vows depends largely on the work you're willing to do within marriage. Any two people who are willing to grow and work through challenges can have a dynamic relationship. Our Differences should help us grow and not consider divorce. In seasons of disagreement, we are to keep our love for each other and for God intentionally. Its not always about finding the right one but about putting God first and being the right one.

Marriage is tremendous gift, but one that will require work and commitment. Expect that no matter who you marry, your concept of love will be refined. When we lean on God and walk alongside the Holy Spirit with reckless abandon, we will have everything we need to be a great wife or husband. 

     2 Peter 1:3 promises, "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life          through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."

Be Inspired...

God Is the Best Match Maker..

   I sat down on my bed talking to God and pouring out my heart to Him. In actual fact- I was telling God about how the kind of guy I wanted.....lol...funny but true!
It wasn’t like there were no guys.....there were lots of them.....in fact; it was like jumping from one odd bus to another. I didn’t just want boyfriend material, I wanted a husband (not that I’m getting married soon) but then, I wanted someone who loved God like I did, someone who understood me perfectly, someone who complemented me, someone who shared in my vision and also had his, someone whose utmost desire was to make heaven, someone who I could plan my life with and together we would prayerfully set our future in motion....the list was endless. By the time I was done telling God the kind of guy I wanted, I felt like one of those ladies with a highly unrealistic “dream guy”.

Long story cut short, he came into my life a couple of months afterwards. By that time, I was practicing what I learnt from Funto Ibuoye about Waiting. I was prayerfully preparing myself, focusing on my relationship with God and developing my career when my “prince charming” located me.
Today, I celebrate two things amongst a host of others.
1) I’m a year older and all glory belongs to God.
2) I celebrate my engagement to the man of my dreams.
Here’s what I’ve learnt in the past one year- God listens....He always does! And He knows the perfect way to respond!

 This testimony is great and should inspire every Lady in waiting. Too many times, i've had people tell me i have unrealistic expectations when it comes to my "dream guy" but as a believer i'm very certain that God is able to do more than we ask or imagine.
There are days, i feel like giving up then i smile and say to myself "God has never failed". Ladies nothing in the world is worth giving up your relationship with Christ for.
The moral of the story is this, God is still in the business of answering prayers if we ask. Wishing Temitope and her lover a blissful union.


cheers..

SILENCE IS NO LONGER GOLDEN - PART 1 ...communication is

My protest this time is against the men in our lives, as they are exceptionally skilled at "the silent treatment". its gotten so worrisome that i had to devote my time to a research into why they would rather go silent than engage in problem resolving communication with us. Apparently they dont view it the same way.
"silence is golden" is an old adage used when speaking or responding isnt the wise thing to do, not some sort of punitive measure.

so i come home ranting to you about some ugly situation at my work place or a working relationship gone wrong and you dont say a thing, how is that supposed to make me feel? better? i hear its because you are afraid i cannot handle the truth, you have done your logical calculations and come to a conclusion that i'm the one who's wrong and you rather just keep quiet about it than place your head in the blender.
have you ever heard this "women talk for expression, men talk for information". I dont need the truth at that time,keep it for when i'm less emotional, show some interest and just comfort me. i need that better than your logical input, and your silence even less

ok, now we had this intense argument, you realize you are wrong, and then go silent on me. who does that? i hear you also have emotions almost as much as i do but i lately just found out from my Pastors while teaching the marriage series just because you fail to put a voice to it . i hear its because you are afraid to spill emotions. I understand expressing a roller coaster of emotions isnt your thing, but i am closer to you than most people in your life, its ok to get mushy with me, talk to me, i wont consider it cheesy.

I also found out you'd rather keep quiet than express your anger and blurt out. Aww! thats so sweet of you honey. its thoughtful of you to prefer not to hurt me. but then your silence lasts a bit too long. i even think your silence lasts far much longer that your anger does. i'd prefare you dont go to sleep still keeping quiet on me, lets talk about it and give me the opportunity to apologize.

By: Itunu Adeyemi

"What Modesty Is Not"

The word modesty makes us cringe because we begin to think about what we can’t do. We have heard how we can’t wear certain styles, images or words on our clothes, we can’t dance a certain way, and we can’t appear sexy. Yes, at times, rules such as these can make modesty easier to understand, but here’s the deal, God didn’t create modesty as a rule, He created it as a guide to remind and redirect our focus back to Him. 

When you look at scripture we see God giving us examples, not rules, about the way to dress. These examples are to show us that our clothes and outward appearance are not where we gain our true significance or beauty. God didn’t intend for these examples to become the rules that we live our lives by. When we make these our rules it can cause us to compare our standards to others instead of to God. When those comparisons prove us slightly better we call ourselves good. God would rather us seek Him in each situation, asking questions like “What is the wise choice for my situation?” or “Does this outfit point to God or to myself?”. God doesn’t want us to seek the rules for our answers; He wants us to seek Him. He wants us to search His truth and wisdom for each situation. 
    "I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

A woman[a] should learn in quietness and full submission."

God doesn’t’ care about style, dance steps, or feeling sexy. He cares about you. He cares about having a relationship where you continuously align your life with Him and renew your mind with His truth. He knows that when this happens, you will be in a place where you can receive whatever He has to say about modesty, whether it be from the bible, a leader, friend or just a personal conviction. Modesty isn’t about following man-made rules; it’s about searching God’s heart and growing closer to Him. Start seeking to align your heart, mind and soul with God’s truth in the area of your body and He will reveal what is right for you. He won’t disappoint you as you begin to know, love and apply His wisdom to your life.